I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
