I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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