I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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