I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
