even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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