mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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