I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
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