you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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