I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
