I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
