They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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