We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Green mimosas i think yes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
