I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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