im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
