its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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