Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize