i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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