What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
