the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.