Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
