Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..