Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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