My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize