I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
