i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
