i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
