i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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