I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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