You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
