my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
