Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
