I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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