It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
