Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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