His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
