You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
