Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
