So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
