remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
