Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
