Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
