Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Pooping to opera.
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