Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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