So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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