I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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