The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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