We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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