I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
