??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
