i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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