CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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