i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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