I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
