I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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