Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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