best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
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2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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