She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
