How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
