There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
